Where's This Going?

More than anything right now, I'm struggling with so much doubt about myself.

I know I have developed this hard shell that keeps me from really loving people and being "the encourager" that I so desperately want to be. When you're not exposed to a whole lot of encouragement for the majority of your life and have more of the "tough love" approach constantly reinforced in you, it consumes you. It seems like I fall so short of everything a Bible study leader should be, and at times I don't feel like I'm even a decent teacher let alone friend/encourager. How the heck do I deal with this??

Prayer, I suppose.

Dearest Abba, Father, Lord, You are so amazing and beautiful and inconceivably powerful that you never cease to astound and leave me awestruck. As you know, this year is breaking me, I can feel it cutting through my body and just tearing me apart, piece by piece. Lord, You have been consistently and constantly exposing me to ways that I seriously fall short of Your glory, and it's painful and heartbreaking. I want You to rebuild me into a pillar of light, a shining reflection of You and the being that You created me to be. There is no other reason for my existence here on Earth other than to worship you and share your love and power with the lost that surround me. I pray that you may never let me forget this!

Amen

Collecting Bittersweet Symphonies in My Back Pocket

Ramblings.

This morning, a new boy joined the before-school program. One of the kindergarteners already knew him, so as soon as he saw the nervous newcomer with wide eyes at the door he ran across the room to him and wrapped him in a great bearhug, shouting "Harrison! I missed you man!"

I think what I find the most striking about this brief but sweet moment is that it's like what God does when we finally accept Christ into our life and proclaim Him our Lord and Savior. He's been waiting in heaven and He's so overjoyed when we, His sheep, return to the flock; God greets you with open arms and swallows you up in a loving embrace, saying "I missed you."

After I saw the midnight premiere of New Moon, I was filled with this completely overwhelming sense of desire to surround myself with images of Taylor Lautner and tell people about him that it was almost embarrassing! Don't get me wrong, I still adore him but I certainly don't want to worship him.

The next day as I kept trying to somehow include just how incredibly good-looking Taylor Lautner is in every conversation, I was struck with this profound thought: What if this was how I felt about God... all the time? Like, I do have these swellings of a feeling of urgency to share the good news, but I can't say that I try to include it in every conversation. What would happen if I did?

Either sin is throwing itself at me more often than normal, or I'm just becoming more conscious of it. Right now would certainly be a good time to really step up and take the idea of a prayer warrior more seriously; prayer is so powerful, and it's one of our greatest defenses in spiritual warfare!

A Day is Coming That Won't Fade to Night

My life feels like an endless countdown. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what I'm counting down to. There's always that next thing in line that I have to get through, and I'm constantly thinking to myself "I just have to get through this... just (x) more days and then it'll be over." The problem is, once I've overcome that hurdle there's another one I arrive at. Or, if there's a particular day that I'm looking forward to (for example, Thanksgiving break) then once that day is over, I'm not sure what to do with myself. That's when I start searching for another day to look forward to.

I know I'm not the only person who experiences this; I just wonder if there will ever come a day when everyone like that will realize they don't live in the moment and will just snap out of it. Living in the past or in the future is not how you enjoy life. Life is a collection of moments carried out from day to day that accumulate into what we can only hope is beautiful. If you're focused on something that's going to happen in the future, chances are you'll miss out on something even more spectacular happening right next to you.

This is all so easy to explain in words, but seems so much harder to actually live out. We get so weighed down by the struggles of everyday life that we obtain our perseverance through what we expect will happen tomorrow. What if that perseverance came from within, only from a sheer drive to come out the other side stronger and more prepared for greater strife that might come later? Better yet, what if we just handed it all over to God and let him help carry the burden and trusted he would take care of everything? Yes, we must live for the eternal life God has prepared for us in Heaven, but at the same time we must take each day as it comes and experience the world He has created merely for our enjoyment and his delight.

I only hope I will remember that every day because it seems to slip my mind more often than I would like to.

Oh to be a kindergartener again!

There's no doubt that I haven't loved a job more than the one I have now. It doesn't even feel like a "job" but more like I just get to play with kids all day and get paid for it. =] All the driving might be a hassle but it's totally worth it; God has really blessed me.

This morning was entertaining from the start, because Alicia came in with a scarf draped over her head that reached all the way to her shoulders, so Mark was calling her Jar-Jar. Nathan was being his usual bundle of trouble, but I think it's because he's so young and just needs some attention. He wanted to be included in our game of chutes and ladders but wanted to jump to the last 20 squares without going through any of the beginning spaces, so we just let him "win." Apparently when he wins he also expects his piece to be the only one on the winning space for the rest of the game, and if anyone so much as touches it he became extremely upset.

The Childs pre-k was just as fun as last time; they were listening to music, dancing in a circle, and playing instruments when I came in. We played hot potato, ate lunch, and watched a video about farm animals because a family will be bringing some farm animals to their school tomorrow for the elementary kids to see.

After-school we were moved to a different room for study hall because the chess club needed to use our room to meet (the popularity of the chess club absolutely astounds me). A table of sixth-grade girls won the pizza for the week for being quiet, and they had quite a time deciding what kind of pizza they wanted to get. Initially, their final decision was half feta cheese with spinach and onions and half sausage (which ping kept messing up/forgetting every time she went up to tell nick, and she plus her whole table couldn't stop laughing), but nick threatened to get them a cheese pizza if they made it too complicated. So the final verdict was just plain sausage.

Extended day the kids were incredibly rowdy because it was a rainy day and they had been cooped up inside all day, which was to be expected. Regina mentioned to me that the other day Ekansh had told the other kids he was Indian, and one of the boys said "No you're not! You don't bring your bow and arrow to school every day!" I couldn't help but laugh at that one. I played chess with Tatyana (a tiny Kindergartener with a big attitude) and she beat me in just a couple of short minutes! The rules had slipped my mind and she was supposed to be "teaching" me how to play, but neglected to mention how to win/protect my king until AFTER checkmate. How embarrassing, but at the same time amazing that these children are so brilliant. =] Her brother drew a heavy amount of red and black marker all down his arm to make it look like a nasty wound, but that's another story.

Where you lead me I will follow

It's been awhile since I've updated, and I feel like it's about time. This summer really separated me from the outside world by having no cable and very limited internet, so I never got to write on my blog. I've got a lot of things to unload; let's see how this goes.

Being apart from a community of believers this summer was so incredibly hard but also was an opportunity to test the strength of my faith. There were several times when I fell so far short of the expectations I set for myself, but at the same time I also got multiple opportunities to share my faith with people and discuss beliefs, which was awesome. Just wearing a necklace with a cross on it really changes the way many people see you, which I never realized until I spent the summer with a sampling of people from all over the world.

Something that made me really nervous was one girl who admitted to me that she knew I was a Christian and said she basically watched my every move to determine what parts of her life she should improve to live "the straight life." I am by no means perfect and although I know I don't have to be perfect I still felt a lot more pressure to be a real role model... and it made me wonder if that's the way most people feel but they just don't say it?

One guy asked me about the ichthus on my cross necklace, and another asked me about some specific stories of the Bible. The second guy said he knew I was a Christian because of the things I did/didn't say, the things I did/didn't do, and basically how he noticed I live my life. Is it really that obvious? It's kind of cool and kind of unnerving at the same time because people are watching what choices I make! Hopefully the choices I make will impact the lives of those watching me in a positive way, plus open them up to discussions of faith. =]

Probably the coolest interaction was with an international girl literally minutes before I left the park for good; she saw my necklace and asked me if I was a Christian and if I believed that the stories in the Bible are true. I got to share with her some of my thoughts and also peaked her interest about reading the Bible. Hopefully she does get to read it because she said she wanted to read the stories and practice her English. Unfortunately I did not get the chance to really talk to her in-depth about it, but I am SO glad I got to have those few minutes with her!

Now on to what's going on in my life at the moment!

I started working at my new job today with the School-Age Care Program, and needless to say it's probably one of the best jobs I've ever had. The children are amazing and hilarious and so full of life-it's almost hard to believe I used to be their size. One boy in the before-school program, Nathan, is in Kindergarten and is a bundle of energy. Workers are constantly having to tell him not to do certain things, bu at the same time we can't help but laugh at him. The honesty of a child continues to leave me in awe! Nathan went to the bathroom and came back, and when one of the girls I work with asked him if he had washed his hands, he would not give her a straight answer by both shaking and nodding his head. She told him to go back and wash his hands, and he promptly ran back to the bathroom to wash the offending hands. Older kids would have probably lied and said they had done it, but he couldn't lie to her!

I love kids so much!!

When I went to work with the pre-schoolers at lunchtime, I was definitely thrown into a completely different environment than what I am used to. They didn't even have the program in school but were in a house next to the school, so they lived in their own little world. Each of them was bursting with things to say about what was going on at home, and each of them wanted to hold my hand, get hugs, and for me to play with them and look at the things they made. One boy is only three and asked for a lot of attention, but the ladies that run the program said it was the first day he had actually eaten lunch there since he started coming to pre-k over a week ago. I was glad to be there for that important step in his life, because he has finally accepted that his parents aren't going to be able to come pick him up at any second that he wants to see them.

After school, I worked with my biggest group of the day with the most diverse age groups. A game arose about an hour and a half before the end called "the cheese touch" which is basically like tag but is a "moldy cheese touch." If you cross your fingers, you are safe from the touch but if not you better run for your life! Otherwise you are cursed with the touch and are expected to attempt to pass it on.

What surprised me the most out of the entire day was the kids' interest in chess! I had a kindergartener showing me how to play because I had forgotten how... and a couple of first and second graders helping him teach me! I'm not sure that I've ever felt so dumb before, but at the same time I'm so amazed and impressed with their intelligence! This school also offers Spanish, French, and German clubs, but the chess club is the most popular.

Lastly, I just want to say that I am really pleased with the direction that the Bible study that Trina and I are co-leading is going in. Tonight the girls really seemed to bond and get to know each other better, which makes me happy. =] They appeared to enjoy the activity of decorating sugar cookies and the brief study we covered, plus they shared a lot with each other so I'm excited to see how things go as the year progresses.

Hope I get to keep updating soon!

I gotta pocketful of sunshine.

Alright, so I have an assortment of random things to mention all in one post, so here goes!

First of all, another weird fear of mine (since I've mentioned several in the past) is of small steps in a set of stairs. At Rachel's graduation on Saturday, we went to Assembly Hall, and I just so happened to be wearing some very tall heels (maybe 5-inch). If you've ever been to Assembly Hall, you know what I'm talking about; those steps are TINY. As a young woman with rather large feet, I have to take special care when I go down stairs as it is, because oftentimes I might overstep and trip. This problem was amplified with tall heels and noooo railing to clutch as I wobbled down the steps. My remedy? Shoe removal. The concrete might have been disgusting, but it was better than falling down the steps allllll the way to the bottom! I was still nervous, though, even without the shoes. That is a hazard and they should definitely put in railing of some form!

On a completely separate and different note, I bought a concordance today! My very first, and I am so excited! Hopefully I'll be able to dive more into the Word this summer with it and God might reveal some really cool things to me. Only 175 hours until I leave for Yellowstone! I can only hope and pray that I might find the courage and strength to remain steadfast in my faith this summer and share God's love with the people around me. I'm going to be constantly interacting with strangers, so this should be a good opportunity for me to be better about coming out of my shell!

IU Bluebells! Photography by Chelsea. =]

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you."

I am fully aware that this semester has not been my best academically as I write in my blog a mere 9 hours away from my biology final exam. I've followed a strict studying regimen in the past, but this year I've really embraced the idea of taking life one day at a time and trying to live it to the fullest, so oftentimes I find myself doing something really fun with my friends instead of spending hours writing that essay that everybody is worrying about. This isn't to say that I haven't been doing my schoolwork, but I just haven't put in as much of my soul into it because when I did I discovered a lot of frustration and disappointment when I didn't get the grade that I wanted.

In the end, do grades really matter? I'd like to think not. As long as I pass and I enjoy my life in the process, I'm set. I don't see the point in making myself miserable over schoolwork when there is so much out there in this world to experience and in such a short time! Really, a lifetime isn't all that long; it's like the blink of an eye in the expanse of eternity so there's no sense in wasting the one life you have to live. Take advantage of the time God has given you on this Earth, because it's not going to last forever.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

It's the final countdown!! Only three exams left, and three essays to go! Then I'll be going home-sweet-home for a little under two weeks and then heading out West to Yellowstone for the summer!! I have a feeling once I'm on that plane and officially flying to Montana is when I'll probably start freaking out, but hopefully I'll be able to keep myself emotionally stable, haha.

There are no words to describe how overjoyed I am to become a bible study leader next year for freshman girls with my good friend Trina; I just know God will be doing some amazing things in the lives of the people around me next year and I can't wait to be a part of it! It is such an honor to be given the responsibility of a leadership position, and I just hope I won't disappoint! Hopefully the Lord will reveal some good stuff to me this summer as I study the Bible more in-depth and prepare my heart to lead.

Today in church as we were told the stories of particular persecuted missionaries overseas I really got to thinking about what I want to do with my life. I thought about my mission trip to New Orleans and how much it opened my eyes to the suffering world around me, and I think it would be such an amazing experience and so beautiful to share the word with people in such dangerous places for Christians as India and China. To honor God like that by risking your life to share the message with those who are in the midst of both physical and spiritual suffering is so amazing and I greatly admire those people who are willing to do that. Hopefully I will be just as willing once I am out of college, because I definitely feel God moving in my heart to do something to help this movement.

Outside of Beck Chapel, Bloomington. Copyright- me!

Weirdisms

I realize I have some fairly strange quirks, so I feel like mentioning a few because I started out by mentioning some in my first blog.

-I can't STAND open doors at night. I have to close all the closet and pantry doors at night because they freak me out if they're open. Not completely sure why, but might be because I'm afraid someone might be watching me... very conspicuously. haha.
-I can eat pico de gallo, ketchup, and tomato soup, but I still can't bring myself to like sliced tomatoes.

more to come later, I suppose.

I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut.

Recently I've had a lot of ups and downs happening all at once in my life, and I've gotta say I think I've been handling it better than I normally do. This might just be me focusing on the beginning of summer rather than the end of the school year, but I guess I just really don't care if I end up with straight B's this semester. Generally speaking I've taken on this nonchalant attitude where things haven't really been upsetting me much, even if I did get a 61 on my lab report. It sucked, but I got over it pretty quickly. That was probably the worst big score I've gotten this semester, so I guess I've just lucked out.

The only thing that I haven't been doing well in is my attitude towards myself. Really trying to work on that (and by working on it I mean just trying to ignore it) but now i seem to have moved on to harboring feelings of rejection by several different people. Now, in case you don't already know, I just can't stand it when people don't like me, so when they do it bothers me forever because I want to fix things and make it all okay. Plus, when people don't like me I look inwards and study all my flaws, trying to figure out what I can do to myself to make myself more appealing. When I focus on these flaws, I tend to hate my personality more and more because I don't see how anybody could ever like me when I'm the way I am.

Trust me, I'm fully aware of my tendency to be easily offended or hurt; there is a lot of background to that, and it's none too pretty. I can be overanalytical because I think people only pretend to like me, so the slightest action or word can set my mind off, trying to figure out what the hidden meaning is.

I also know that I have a tendency to not know when to shut up. Like now. On my blog, where all kinds of people could read about my insecurities and such if they cared to take interest. However, I won't flatter myself!

There is plenty of realization of character flaws in the insecurity department, so don't worry about that. I guess when I have these kind of thought processes I just try to focus on the fact that I'm trying, really I am, to be a better me, and I know my God is right there by my side when it seems like nobody else is there at all. He's the one that saved me from eternal damnation, the least I can do is be thankful and keep my eyes fixed on him and furthering his kingdom through my words and actions. That's all for now I suppose!

My Prayer.

Lord,

I write this letter of prayer to you in earnest, with a heart yearning for fulfillment that only you can provide. Over the course of this week I've felt so much hurt and so much pain that I haven't cried this much in a long time. You are my rock, my shelter, and I pray that you may keep my eyes fixed on you, that I won't be led astray by my self-deprecating thoughts and brokenness. There is no one else I can turn to like I can to you, for you knit my inner-most being and knew me before I came to be. I pray that you will give me strength and guide me through these turbulent times in my life, because I know I can't go it alone. Never do you cease to surprise me with your continual reminders that you are the only one that I can truly depend on; although this might bring initial pain I thank you for this because I can easily be led down the treacherous path of idolatry. My God you are the Alpha and the Omega, beautiful and glorious in all you do, and while I shall never in my humanity begin to comprehend your majesty, I will continue to praise you in all my days.

In your son's precious name I pray, Amen.

Mirror, Mirror.

God really never fails to surprise me. I find that if I really look at my life, I'll find him in some of the most random times. Not too long ago I told a small group of girls at retreat that I want to free myself from my bitterness, and that was the sin I buried in my flower cup. Sometimes I'll discover I form my own prejudices against certain people just because of how I perceive their behaviors from an outside perspective, yet I've never even carried on a real conversation with them. Then that day comes, like today, when I talk to them and find that they're really not so bad, that they are actually kind of cool people to talk to.

Really, first impressions have a significant impact on what I think of people, which I know isn't really fair to them. There's so much more to a person than might immediately surface when you first encounter them, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt. I hope to see God continue working in my heart like this, because I LOVE it.

After my dreaming I woke with this fear, what am I leaving when I'm done here?

As this school year draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on all my experiences I have had throughout these past two hectic semesters and can't help but be amazed at how much my life has changed. So many new elements have been added to my life, and I feel like through them I have really matured and grown. More than once I experienced heartbreak unlike anything I'd felt before, I've grown in my faith, met so many new people, gone on many road trips, opened myself up to much more vulnerability, shared great experiences with great friends, and also had nights where I lay in bed wondering where life was going to take me next. I've shed many tears and laughed many laughs, and I don't regret a single one.

Much of this year has been a struggle for me financially, which certainly had a profound influence on how I was able to live my life and take part in the activities around me. There were many times where it was very hard for me to keep going, times when it seemed like it was going to be impossible to lift my head off the pillow in the morning and join the land of the living again. Luckily, God kept me going and never failed to walk me through each and every day of this year.

It's almost inconceivable to me that in just a few months I'm going to be a junior and officially in the School of Education, taking my clusters and preparing for my student teaching experience. I'm so excited for what is in store for me, because I know it's gonna be awesome and the problems I'm struggling with now are going to eventually be a thing of the past.

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow.

Emotional honesty moment right here: Right now, my body image has plummeted. Plummeted pretty much to one of the lowest points it's been at in a while. I've always said I don't understand how girls can hate themselves so much, why they obsess about their weight... well, here I am, walking in their shoes. The whole "God made you beautiful, just the way you are" argument is seemingly lost on me right now, which is rather unfortunate because when I hate myself I feel like I'm hating on God, too, because he created me in his own likeness.

When I'm depressed, I tend to seek comfort foods. I know I'm not alone in this! But when I do that, it just fuels my weight obsession and low self-worth. It's this vicious cycle, and at this point I feel a little lost within it. As I look in the mirror, I see so many things I want to change about myself that it makes me nauseous. But why?

If I even falter in the slightest in the way I see myself, I immediately start plunging down a slippery slope. I start feeding myself all these lies that I know aren't true but I can't help believing, like I'm fat or ugly or people don't actually like me, they just pretend to. These thoughts consume me, and I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm going to turn to the Bible, and we'll see where that takes me. God tends to be full of surprises, and maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.

By the way, I'm not seeking affirmation about the way I look, I'm merely stating how I feel. No number of worldly compliments can change the way I see myself, so please don't take it upon yourself to try to restore my self-confidence! Thanks. =]

Sweetly Broken

Another one of my favorite worship songs:

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of it's suffering I do drink
Of it's work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

My Heart is Screaming This Isn't Okay

Even though I have a ton of homework I need to do, I feel like I really need to say some things that have been sincerely bothering me the past couple of months. A lot of what I say might not make a lot of sense or seem to be related to each other, but these thoughts have been swimming around in my mind and to me they are all interrelated.

Lately I have been truly struggling with trying to understand why all the girls around me base so much of their life and self-worth on the concept of being married in the future. I mean, SO many of them. I've heard many different thoughts and fears of maybe never finding the right man and being single forever, and for some being single is so utterly crushing that they are lost for words as to what they would do with their life. Maybe it's just because I've never had a real boyfriend before, but I really just don't care if I'm single for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if it's just selfishness or not, but I like the idea of having the freedom to float wherever I choose and let God lead me down the path that ultimately furthers his Kingdom the most. Not to say that I think there is something wrong with girls wanting a relationship, but it just doesn't make sense to me why they feel so much need for one, especially those who have a relationship with God. Certainly I can think of logical reasons for this need, but I guess I just don't identify with those reasons in my own life.

Companionship is definitely a logical reason for marriage, and also the whole idea of producing a family, but I don't think that your life is necessarily wasted or just plain pointless without it. You can do so much with the life you're given, and why not make the most of every second of it? If God has a special man cross your path, then so be it. But if he doesn't, that shouldn't define your attitude towards life and how happy you are. It just seems like too many girls completely center their worlds around guys, and when they don't end up with one they are dejected and devastated. Hmmm....

In H340 today we were talking about separating classes by gender, and the more we talked about it the more it really seemed to make sense, especially for middle school. That is when most girls experience a significant drop in self esteem and self worth, oftentimes resulting from interactions with guys and the social hierarchy of girls that stems from who gets the most attention from guys. If students were separated by gender, they would get the opportunity to really experience an increase in their confidence and be more willing to explore nontraditional courses for certain genders like boys might be more likely to pursue drama and the arts and girls to pursue more science and math. One might think this perspective is archaeic and that this problem is a thing of the past, but the truth is it still hasn't been completely resolved. Although there might be a representation of both genders in these courses, when you look at the students' continued studies there are still majorities and minorities. Anyways, I just found that really interesting because I know that middle school was a really rough time for me, and if I'd had the opportunity to be in gender-separated classes I would have been more than willing to take part.

And He Said "Take My Hand, Live While You Can"

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me... I think getting so much sleep has actually made me a bit irritable! But I really just didn't feel like taking people's crap today, so I might have said more than I normally would. I don't regret it though, because some things need to be said, and I'm tired of not standing up for myself! Okay, so now on to the list that should make me feel better about today...

1. I didn't get up until 11! It was nice to finally get some much-needed sleep.
2. I ran two miles at the SRSC and did a lot of ab workouts, which made me feel much better about myself today.
3. My hair feels extra soft! I don't know why, but this brightens my day.
4. I got to work in the home goods dept. tonight, even if I only did it for three hours.
5. I drank mountain dew today. YUM.
Special addition to the five:
6. I'm gonna spend time reading my Bible now!

Hopefully having some devo time will relieve some of this pent-up frustration I have right now. God is all I need!

The Days We Are Given Are Gifts From Above

Even though it might be chilly outside, I have to say I am LOVING life. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been trying hard to actually take notice of all the great things I have going for me or I'm just having better luck, but things seem to be going so much better now!! All kinds of great news is coming in, like being accepted to the School of Education, passing my ChaCha guide test, getting a $1000 scholarship for next year, being inducted into Kappa Delta Pi, and all the good grades I've been getting back! It's a little disappointing that I didn't get to go to church or bible study this week and Cru wasn't the usual Cru either, but I really think God is showing so much of his awesome power to me lately.

Over Spring Break (which has already started for me!!!!) I'll be staying here in my home-sweet-home of Bloomington and working, but I'm gonna go visit Trina for a day at her home in Loogootee which I'm so pumped for! Also, I'll be getting a new ear piercing, which I've been looking forward to for quite a long time. Not only will I be doing these awesome activities, but I also plan to (FINALLY) finish Pride and Prejudice and read Harriet the Spy for my Children's Lit class, along with tons of other homework. It's going to be so great to finally relax for a while, even if it might get a little lonely. Maybe I'll actually spend more time doing bible study this week... I would really love to do that! I think I will....

I'll probably go home for a day or something at some point during this week, I don't know. I don't really feel the need or the motivation, but I guess it would be nice to see the cats!



These are two of my three kitties: Lizzie and Gizmo. All you can see is Gizmo's nose and eye. =]

Just Smile.

Life is looking good, even if it's getting super hectic! I never got the time to yesterday, so here's yesterday's list.

1. It was so warm outside again! Felt like spring. =]
2. I got to go to Cru and we had extended praise!!! I LOVE extended praise!
3. I'm a true-blue honest-to-God ChaCha guide now! I found out I passed the test!
4. I worked out at the SRSC... ran almost 2 miles and then went to a 30 minute Core class (which was killer, but still sooo good for me!).
5. My buddies and I hung out last night after Cru for another six hours! haha they didn't leave my apartment till 4 am.

Awesome Parts of Today.

1. It was warmer and sunny outside today!! I got to put on a pair of sunglasses, roll down the car windows, and turn up the Yellowcard. =]
2. We talked about Alice's Adventures in Wonderland in L390 today. I LOVE that book! Also, we had a quiz over it and I got a 20/20.
3. I'm finally going to the SRSC for some exercise... for once. haha. I'm so excited!
4. I bought some folders today so I could organize all my class papers for this semester; what a relief!
5. I ate my faaaavorite food, macaroni and cheese, for dinner!

A List.

Okay, this just hit me really hard and now it's bothering me so much so I'm going to be upset about it for about two seconds...
I'm staying in Bloomington for spring break and working.
This is SO FRUSTRATING for me. I've never, EVER vacationed in any way on spring break. Like, just a fun trip to spend time with friends or family and have a good time. I'm a SOPHOMORE in COLLEGE. There's only two spring breaks left after this... Okay, I'm done. This isn't meant to be a rant about how sucky spring break is going to be.

Actually, this post is more meant to be about me changing my negative perspective. Just a couple of posts ago I talked about being more spiritually awake; to be honest, I haven't followed through with that. That doesn't mean that I don't want to, though! I want to start seeing my life in a more positive light, like, I really do. So I figure the way I can do that is if I can start making a list every day of five good things that happened during my day. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. We'll see how it goes! The way I see it is if I create a physical list, I can reflect upon it and not forget, as opposed to just simply noticing things and then letting them slip my mind. So... 1-2-3-GO!

1. I got to see Rachel and Trina this morning when I woke up, and I love those girls so much!
2. My 9:30 class (and also my least favorite) was cancelled. Although I do feel bad that Mona is sick.
3. I had bible study tonight, so I got to spend time in the word and being vulnerable!
4. I pulled off a B on my history exam.
5. My illness that I had for quite a while is gone. =]

and just one extra:

6. God was there to walk with me through the bad stuff! That always helps.

The Innocence of Children.

Children are so amazing. Every time I get the chance to work with them, I am reminded of why I want to be a teacher. Their innocence and naivety makes the job so much more fun, because they are so eager to learn and there is so much space left in their growing minds to fill with new and exciting things. Not only this, but there is also something very fulfilling in a child's hug and their desire for your attention. I never feel more wanted than when I'm in a class full of first graders who want to spend time with me.

There are these two adorable twin boys in separate first grade classes that come to the library when I volunteer that are such a joy to know. One of them calls me Miss Buttercups! (after reese's peanut butter cups) It's so cute. =] He also hugged me three times today and followed me around like a lost puppy all period, which was fun.

One of the boys in a first grade class decided to check out the "Happy Birthday!" book, which is about the birthing process. Nothing is funnier than kids giggling about anything to do with reproduction and saying "ewwwww!" whenever a couple kisses in a story. Today I got to explain to a small group of interested students that almost everybody breast feeds, that it's perfectly normal, and that some kids are born with some hair while others are not. Not to mention explaining with the picture of a newborn that every one of them looked like that when they were born, and one boy said "except I was black!" (the baby in the picture was caucasian) Kids say the darndest things, and I love them all-the-more for it.

Blessings.

A good way to have a better perspective on life? Simply count your blessings. Today I was just sitting around my apartment, and I started to think about how blessed my life is. I tend to get caught up in the bad, in the struggles and the suffering, but I have so much to be thankful for! Sure, sometimes I might not get hot water or heat, I might not have built in air conditioning, much food or always functioning internet. But I still get an apartment all to myself with running water, enough food to fill my stomach, a roof over my head, and people to spend time with in this little 3 room living space. Not only that, but I have all these extras like TV, a personal laptop, a comfortable bed, dishes to cook and eat with, and every once in a while a little extra money to spend on entertainment. Plus I've got God to turn to in all instances, which is so amazing.

Now I get to go to Cru, where I have the opportunity to spend time with a couple hundred fellow college students and worship God as a collective body! The first time I went to Cru, I was overwhelmed with how many college students were taking responsibility for their faith and came to worship the same amazing God, and to tell the truth it still captivates me!

My Take on Lent.

So I realize that what I'm going to say might be rather controversial, but I'm not trying to personally attack or offend anybody. This is just how I feel about Lent, and I just want to put it out there in the open because it's bothering the heck out of me.

When I see and hear people say they are "giving up candy/facebook/soda/alcohol/etc." for Lent, I really just want to ask them why. Why do you specifically choose this part of your life to remove for 40 days? To be honest, I really don't see the sacrifice. I may not be Catholic, but I have done my research because I was curious about Lent and the reasoning behind it.

Apparently, when a person removes a certain part of their life through self-denial for 40 days, it's supposed to represent Jesus's 40 days in the desert and act as penance for sin. If you have forgotten, during this entire time Jesus fasted and was tempted by Satan in multiple instances, so in today's world you are supposed to "fast" by giving something up and then resist its temptation for 40 days. This is the part that most people are more than ready to jump into... but there's another part that actually gives the whole experience meaning.

When this piece of a person's life is removed, they are supposed to fill it up with God through prayer and spending time in the world. It is a purification process that prepares the person for Easter, or the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

What I find so completely bogus about the whole idea of Lent today is that people give up the frills, or the things that in reality are no form of real sacrifice. I just don't see how someone could even begin to reason that giving up facebook is similar to Jesus fasting for forty days straight in the desert and being tempted by the Devil. Also, while you may find yourself "struggling" to avoid the temptation to log back on and see how many notifications you have, what are you doing with this newfound free time? Chances are that you're watching TV, doing your homework, or hanging out with your friends... so the purpose of Lent is lost because you aren't strengthening your relationship with God by spending time with him.

I don't believe in Lent because I don't think giving up my favorite food or pasttime is what will draw me closer to God. If you want to strengthen your relationship with him, why don't you just open your Bible or pray to him? Why do you have to search for a specific part of the year to feel compelled to "sacrifice"? It seems to me that if you truly felt that giving up that thing would help make your relationship stronger, then you should have done it a long time ago and made it a permanent change.

I do believe in real fasting where a person gives up eating certain meals so they can instead spend that time in prayer, but to me this just doesn't seem altogether right. But maybe that's because some people have set the wrong example.

Paradigm Shift

With all that I said in the previous post, I'm really hoping that I can also have a major shift in my paradigm of life. I realize that I can be a pretty serious pessimist at times, and I'm not exactly sure why. God blessed me with this amazing opportunity of life and a chance to admire his great power and beauty through this wonderful world he has created. Sometimes life can just feel so.... overwhelming and frustrating. But just because I have struggles and sufferings, doesn't mean I should let them permeate every part of my existence. We're all only here on this earth for a brief moment, and then we're gone forever.

A good way for me to start working on this shift is to be more spiritually awake, which is a concept we learned about at fall retreat. If I leave myself open to be used by him and remain in constant contact with him I can't go wrong. He is so amazing, and oftentimes I just let that slip my mind. It just reminds me that this world is so much bigger than my small, everyday problems and I have no reason to let them devour my life and overall perspective. Life is amazing, and we should rejoice in the good times AND the suffering!

A Yearning for Change.

Bible study tonight really got me thinking about a lot of things, and now I have all these thoughts and feelings floating around that are really starting to bother me about myself. I realize that I am human, I have flaws, and I have a tendency to screw up. But it doesn't stop there! You see, I was already fully aware of this. Where it starts to get complicated is the fact that I don't talk to anybody about what's bothering me, so I bury it and even though I might not be immediately thinking about it, those buried thoughts propogate themselves in my everyday interactions with people and how vulnerable I am.

I love being confided in and trusted with personal struggles and suffering, but I just simply can't bring myself to share the heavy stuff with anybody. Sure, I'll unload the frills like the fact that I tripped and bruised myself, but I can't bear to talk to people about all the pain that has come from my distorted and completely messed up relationship with my mom. Or about completely tumultuous and rocky relationship with God, or the utter humiliation of my junior high years and the suffering that came from it. Or how about my body image and self hatred? Or the verbal and occasional physical abuse? Or all the thoughts of running away, suicide, and hatred that built up inside of me as I grew up? I'd rather just brush over it and move on.

Maybe it's just because I figure even if I tell people about it they can't do anything to change the past, or maybe because I simply lack any bit of courage to open my heart. I guess I just need to bring all this before God. But the Bible also says we must help carry each other's burdens, and I'm not so sure I can do this by myself. I want to start following my heart, and not my mind. Too much of my time is spent pondering whether or not I should do something when I would much rather just take a leap.

Mighty to Save

A great song that I think everyone should know: (as sung by Hillsong United)

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

My Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender (I surrender)

My Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine Your light &
Let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus

You're the Savior
You can move the mountains
Lord You are mighty to save
You are mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
You rose & conquered the grave
Yes You conquered the grave

How many times can I break till I shatter?

WARNING: major venting post. I have no intention of writing posts like this often, I just need to get this junk off my chest.

What to do, what to do... it's like one bad thing after another is getting thrown at me right now... like, initially I was thinking "okay, only a couple of small bad things happened, it's cool. life is still good." but now it's just getting ridiculous. it starts with not getting enough hours at work. they have cut back hours for everybody and aren't offering extra. then i come about two breaths short of throwing up a few days ago and felt nauseous all the next day; that was fun. then i find out that that this project i have been working on all week i did completely wrong, and i spent hours upon hours on it. then i find out my great grandma had another stroke and is dying. then i found out both my snails died. then i find out i'm going to have around 150 pages of reading for my classes... every night this semester. then i find out that civil war has broken out in kenya, so the school of ed doesn't do student teaching there anymore. what the HECK is going on???

I really have tried to be upbeat no matter what this semester, but i'm having a really hard time with that right now.

UPDATE: things got so much better. only one snail died, great grandma is going to live a little while longer, and now I'm getting more hours at work than ever before! (both a blessing and a curse)

Gee Willikers.

Where is this life taking me? I have a feeling any random stranger could give me a better answer than I can give myself. There are so many things I want to do, so many things that I want to see... I don't even know where to begin. The problem is, once I actually do get my foot in the door or find a way to begin, I'm scared to follow through. Taking a job at Yellowstone is a huge step for me; I'll be spending the entire summer away from home and will not know a single person there.

This past summer, even though I put myself in a completely different environment with people I had never met before and I place I had never even seen before, at least I was still in Indiana. If I didn't make any friends, got tired of camp, or just wanted to get away, I could go home for the weekend. In Wyoming, I have no place to go... no retreat. This will really give me the opportunity to get a taste of what I think I want for the rest of my life, though. If I can't handle being a couple of states away for 2 months, how could I handle being an entire ocean away in Kenya for student teaching for 4 months?? How could I handle being in the Peace Corps or being a missionary?

I'm excited and terrified. This could either be the best summer of my life or possibly the worst summer of my life. At least I'll have Old Faithful to keep me company.

Yeah. Another blog. =]

My unleashing begins...

Now.

Expect the unexpected, because chances are you're going to get it in this blog. I think it might have something to do with having all these pent-up dreams that are ripping at the seams to explode into reality.

Confession: I am overcome with this horrible, horrible feeling whenever I see something like this picture. When things are too big, I feel overwhelmed and incredibly uncomfortable... almost scared. It's the strangest and also the most god-awful feeling, and very few people know I have this problem.