A Yearning for Change.

Bible study tonight really got me thinking about a lot of things, and now I have all these thoughts and feelings floating around that are really starting to bother me about myself. I realize that I am human, I have flaws, and I have a tendency to screw up. But it doesn't stop there! You see, I was already fully aware of this. Where it starts to get complicated is the fact that I don't talk to anybody about what's bothering me, so I bury it and even though I might not be immediately thinking about it, those buried thoughts propogate themselves in my everyday interactions with people and how vulnerable I am.

I love being confided in and trusted with personal struggles and suffering, but I just simply can't bring myself to share the heavy stuff with anybody. Sure, I'll unload the frills like the fact that I tripped and bruised myself, but I can't bear to talk to people about all the pain that has come from my distorted and completely messed up relationship with my mom. Or about completely tumultuous and rocky relationship with God, or the utter humiliation of my junior high years and the suffering that came from it. Or how about my body image and self hatred? Or the verbal and occasional physical abuse? Or all the thoughts of running away, suicide, and hatred that built up inside of me as I grew up? I'd rather just brush over it and move on.

Maybe it's just because I figure even if I tell people about it they can't do anything to change the past, or maybe because I simply lack any bit of courage to open my heart. I guess I just need to bring all this before God. But the Bible also says we must help carry each other's burdens, and I'm not so sure I can do this by myself. I want to start following my heart, and not my mind. Too much of my time is spent pondering whether or not I should do something when I would much rather just take a leap.