I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut.

Recently I've had a lot of ups and downs happening all at once in my life, and I've gotta say I think I've been handling it better than I normally do. This might just be me focusing on the beginning of summer rather than the end of the school year, but I guess I just really don't care if I end up with straight B's this semester. Generally speaking I've taken on this nonchalant attitude where things haven't really been upsetting me much, even if I did get a 61 on my lab report. It sucked, but I got over it pretty quickly. That was probably the worst big score I've gotten this semester, so I guess I've just lucked out.

The only thing that I haven't been doing well in is my attitude towards myself. Really trying to work on that (and by working on it I mean just trying to ignore it) but now i seem to have moved on to harboring feelings of rejection by several different people. Now, in case you don't already know, I just can't stand it when people don't like me, so when they do it bothers me forever because I want to fix things and make it all okay. Plus, when people don't like me I look inwards and study all my flaws, trying to figure out what I can do to myself to make myself more appealing. When I focus on these flaws, I tend to hate my personality more and more because I don't see how anybody could ever like me when I'm the way I am.

Trust me, I'm fully aware of my tendency to be easily offended or hurt; there is a lot of background to that, and it's none too pretty. I can be overanalytical because I think people only pretend to like me, so the slightest action or word can set my mind off, trying to figure out what the hidden meaning is.

I also know that I have a tendency to not know when to shut up. Like now. On my blog, where all kinds of people could read about my insecurities and such if they cared to take interest. However, I won't flatter myself!

There is plenty of realization of character flaws in the insecurity department, so don't worry about that. I guess when I have these kind of thought processes I just try to focus on the fact that I'm trying, really I am, to be a better me, and I know my God is right there by my side when it seems like nobody else is there at all. He's the one that saved me from eternal damnation, the least I can do is be thankful and keep my eyes fixed on him and furthering his kingdom through my words and actions. That's all for now I suppose!

My Prayer.

Lord,

I write this letter of prayer to you in earnest, with a heart yearning for fulfillment that only you can provide. Over the course of this week I've felt so much hurt and so much pain that I haven't cried this much in a long time. You are my rock, my shelter, and I pray that you may keep my eyes fixed on you, that I won't be led astray by my self-deprecating thoughts and brokenness. There is no one else I can turn to like I can to you, for you knit my inner-most being and knew me before I came to be. I pray that you will give me strength and guide me through these turbulent times in my life, because I know I can't go it alone. Never do you cease to surprise me with your continual reminders that you are the only one that I can truly depend on; although this might bring initial pain I thank you for this because I can easily be led down the treacherous path of idolatry. My God you are the Alpha and the Omega, beautiful and glorious in all you do, and while I shall never in my humanity begin to comprehend your majesty, I will continue to praise you in all my days.

In your son's precious name I pray, Amen.

Mirror, Mirror.

God really never fails to surprise me. I find that if I really look at my life, I'll find him in some of the most random times. Not too long ago I told a small group of girls at retreat that I want to free myself from my bitterness, and that was the sin I buried in my flower cup. Sometimes I'll discover I form my own prejudices against certain people just because of how I perceive their behaviors from an outside perspective, yet I've never even carried on a real conversation with them. Then that day comes, like today, when I talk to them and find that they're really not so bad, that they are actually kind of cool people to talk to.

Really, first impressions have a significant impact on what I think of people, which I know isn't really fair to them. There's so much more to a person than might immediately surface when you first encounter them, and they deserve the benefit of the doubt. I hope to see God continue working in my heart like this, because I LOVE it.

After my dreaming I woke with this fear, what am I leaving when I'm done here?

As this school year draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on all my experiences I have had throughout these past two hectic semesters and can't help but be amazed at how much my life has changed. So many new elements have been added to my life, and I feel like through them I have really matured and grown. More than once I experienced heartbreak unlike anything I'd felt before, I've grown in my faith, met so many new people, gone on many road trips, opened myself up to much more vulnerability, shared great experiences with great friends, and also had nights where I lay in bed wondering where life was going to take me next. I've shed many tears and laughed many laughs, and I don't regret a single one.

Much of this year has been a struggle for me financially, which certainly had a profound influence on how I was able to live my life and take part in the activities around me. There were many times where it was very hard for me to keep going, times when it seemed like it was going to be impossible to lift my head off the pillow in the morning and join the land of the living again. Luckily, God kept me going and never failed to walk me through each and every day of this year.

It's almost inconceivable to me that in just a few months I'm going to be a junior and officially in the School of Education, taking my clusters and preparing for my student teaching experience. I'm so excited for what is in store for me, because I know it's gonna be awesome and the problems I'm struggling with now are going to eventually be a thing of the past.

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow.

Emotional honesty moment right here: Right now, my body image has plummeted. Plummeted pretty much to one of the lowest points it's been at in a while. I've always said I don't understand how girls can hate themselves so much, why they obsess about their weight... well, here I am, walking in their shoes. The whole "God made you beautiful, just the way you are" argument is seemingly lost on me right now, which is rather unfortunate because when I hate myself I feel like I'm hating on God, too, because he created me in his own likeness.

When I'm depressed, I tend to seek comfort foods. I know I'm not alone in this! But when I do that, it just fuels my weight obsession and low self-worth. It's this vicious cycle, and at this point I feel a little lost within it. As I look in the mirror, I see so many things I want to change about myself that it makes me nauseous. But why?

If I even falter in the slightest in the way I see myself, I immediately start plunging down a slippery slope. I start feeding myself all these lies that I know aren't true but I can't help believing, like I'm fat or ugly or people don't actually like me, they just pretend to. These thoughts consume me, and I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm going to turn to the Bible, and we'll see where that takes me. God tends to be full of surprises, and maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.

By the way, I'm not seeking affirmation about the way I look, I'm merely stating how I feel. No number of worldly compliments can change the way I see myself, so please don't take it upon yourself to try to restore my self-confidence! Thanks. =]

Sweetly Broken

Another one of my favorite worship songs:

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of it's suffering I do drink
Of it's work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered