I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut.

Recently I've had a lot of ups and downs happening all at once in my life, and I've gotta say I think I've been handling it better than I normally do. This might just be me focusing on the beginning of summer rather than the end of the school year, but I guess I just really don't care if I end up with straight B's this semester. Generally speaking I've taken on this nonchalant attitude where things haven't really been upsetting me much, even if I did get a 61 on my lab report. It sucked, but I got over it pretty quickly. That was probably the worst big score I've gotten this semester, so I guess I've just lucked out.

The only thing that I haven't been doing well in is my attitude towards myself. Really trying to work on that (and by working on it I mean just trying to ignore it) but now i seem to have moved on to harboring feelings of rejection by several different people. Now, in case you don't already know, I just can't stand it when people don't like me, so when they do it bothers me forever because I want to fix things and make it all okay. Plus, when people don't like me I look inwards and study all my flaws, trying to figure out what I can do to myself to make myself more appealing. When I focus on these flaws, I tend to hate my personality more and more because I don't see how anybody could ever like me when I'm the way I am.

Trust me, I'm fully aware of my tendency to be easily offended or hurt; there is a lot of background to that, and it's none too pretty. I can be overanalytical because I think people only pretend to like me, so the slightest action or word can set my mind off, trying to figure out what the hidden meaning is.

I also know that I have a tendency to not know when to shut up. Like now. On my blog, where all kinds of people could read about my insecurities and such if they cared to take interest. However, I won't flatter myself!

There is plenty of realization of character flaws in the insecurity department, so don't worry about that. I guess when I have these kind of thought processes I just try to focus on the fact that I'm trying, really I am, to be a better me, and I know my God is right there by my side when it seems like nobody else is there at all. He's the one that saved me from eternal damnation, the least I can do is be thankful and keep my eyes fixed on him and furthering his kingdom through my words and actions. That's all for now I suppose!