My Heart is Screaming This Isn't Okay

Even though I have a ton of homework I need to do, I feel like I really need to say some things that have been sincerely bothering me the past couple of months. A lot of what I say might not make a lot of sense or seem to be related to each other, but these thoughts have been swimming around in my mind and to me they are all interrelated.

Lately I have been truly struggling with trying to understand why all the girls around me base so much of their life and self-worth on the concept of being married in the future. I mean, SO many of them. I've heard many different thoughts and fears of maybe never finding the right man and being single forever, and for some being single is so utterly crushing that they are lost for words as to what they would do with their life. Maybe it's just because I've never had a real boyfriend before, but I really just don't care if I'm single for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if it's just selfishness or not, but I like the idea of having the freedom to float wherever I choose and let God lead me down the path that ultimately furthers his Kingdom the most. Not to say that I think there is something wrong with girls wanting a relationship, but it just doesn't make sense to me why they feel so much need for one, especially those who have a relationship with God. Certainly I can think of logical reasons for this need, but I guess I just don't identify with those reasons in my own life.

Companionship is definitely a logical reason for marriage, and also the whole idea of producing a family, but I don't think that your life is necessarily wasted or just plain pointless without it. You can do so much with the life you're given, and why not make the most of every second of it? If God has a special man cross your path, then so be it. But if he doesn't, that shouldn't define your attitude towards life and how happy you are. It just seems like too many girls completely center their worlds around guys, and when they don't end up with one they are dejected and devastated. Hmmm....

In H340 today we were talking about separating classes by gender, and the more we talked about it the more it really seemed to make sense, especially for middle school. That is when most girls experience a significant drop in self esteem and self worth, oftentimes resulting from interactions with guys and the social hierarchy of girls that stems from who gets the most attention from guys. If students were separated by gender, they would get the opportunity to really experience an increase in their confidence and be more willing to explore nontraditional courses for certain genders like boys might be more likely to pursue drama and the arts and girls to pursue more science and math. One might think this perspective is archaeic and that this problem is a thing of the past, but the truth is it still hasn't been completely resolved. Although there might be a representation of both genders in these courses, when you look at the students' continued studies there are still majorities and minorities. Anyways, I just found that really interesting because I know that middle school was a really rough time for me, and if I'd had the opportunity to be in gender-separated classes I would have been more than willing to take part.

And He Said "Take My Hand, Live While You Can"

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me... I think getting so much sleep has actually made me a bit irritable! But I really just didn't feel like taking people's crap today, so I might have said more than I normally would. I don't regret it though, because some things need to be said, and I'm tired of not standing up for myself! Okay, so now on to the list that should make me feel better about today...

1. I didn't get up until 11! It was nice to finally get some much-needed sleep.
2. I ran two miles at the SRSC and did a lot of ab workouts, which made me feel much better about myself today.
3. My hair feels extra soft! I don't know why, but this brightens my day.
4. I got to work in the home goods dept. tonight, even if I only did it for three hours.
5. I drank mountain dew today. YUM.
Special addition to the five:
6. I'm gonna spend time reading my Bible now!

Hopefully having some devo time will relieve some of this pent-up frustration I have right now. God is all I need!

The Days We Are Given Are Gifts From Above

Even though it might be chilly outside, I have to say I am LOVING life. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been trying hard to actually take notice of all the great things I have going for me or I'm just having better luck, but things seem to be going so much better now!! All kinds of great news is coming in, like being accepted to the School of Education, passing my ChaCha guide test, getting a $1000 scholarship for next year, being inducted into Kappa Delta Pi, and all the good grades I've been getting back! It's a little disappointing that I didn't get to go to church or bible study this week and Cru wasn't the usual Cru either, but I really think God is showing so much of his awesome power to me lately.

Over Spring Break (which has already started for me!!!!) I'll be staying here in my home-sweet-home of Bloomington and working, but I'm gonna go visit Trina for a day at her home in Loogootee which I'm so pumped for! Also, I'll be getting a new ear piercing, which I've been looking forward to for quite a long time. Not only will I be doing these awesome activities, but I also plan to (FINALLY) finish Pride and Prejudice and read Harriet the Spy for my Children's Lit class, along with tons of other homework. It's going to be so great to finally relax for a while, even if it might get a little lonely. Maybe I'll actually spend more time doing bible study this week... I would really love to do that! I think I will....

I'll probably go home for a day or something at some point during this week, I don't know. I don't really feel the need or the motivation, but I guess it would be nice to see the cats!



These are two of my three kitties: Lizzie and Gizmo. All you can see is Gizmo's nose and eye. =]

Just Smile.

Life is looking good, even if it's getting super hectic! I never got the time to yesterday, so here's yesterday's list.

1. It was so warm outside again! Felt like spring. =]
2. I got to go to Cru and we had extended praise!!! I LOVE extended praise!
3. I'm a true-blue honest-to-God ChaCha guide now! I found out I passed the test!
4. I worked out at the SRSC... ran almost 2 miles and then went to a 30 minute Core class (which was killer, but still sooo good for me!).
5. My buddies and I hung out last night after Cru for another six hours! haha they didn't leave my apartment till 4 am.

Awesome Parts of Today.

1. It was warmer and sunny outside today!! I got to put on a pair of sunglasses, roll down the car windows, and turn up the Yellowcard. =]
2. We talked about Alice's Adventures in Wonderland in L390 today. I LOVE that book! Also, we had a quiz over it and I got a 20/20.
3. I'm finally going to the SRSC for some exercise... for once. haha. I'm so excited!
4. I bought some folders today so I could organize all my class papers for this semester; what a relief!
5. I ate my faaaavorite food, macaroni and cheese, for dinner!

A List.

Okay, this just hit me really hard and now it's bothering me so much so I'm going to be upset about it for about two seconds...
I'm staying in Bloomington for spring break and working.
This is SO FRUSTRATING for me. I've never, EVER vacationed in any way on spring break. Like, just a fun trip to spend time with friends or family and have a good time. I'm a SOPHOMORE in COLLEGE. There's only two spring breaks left after this... Okay, I'm done. This isn't meant to be a rant about how sucky spring break is going to be.

Actually, this post is more meant to be about me changing my negative perspective. Just a couple of posts ago I talked about being more spiritually awake; to be honest, I haven't followed through with that. That doesn't mean that I don't want to, though! I want to start seeing my life in a more positive light, like, I really do. So I figure the way I can do that is if I can start making a list every day of five good things that happened during my day. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. We'll see how it goes! The way I see it is if I create a physical list, I can reflect upon it and not forget, as opposed to just simply noticing things and then letting them slip my mind. So... 1-2-3-GO!

1. I got to see Rachel and Trina this morning when I woke up, and I love those girls so much!
2. My 9:30 class (and also my least favorite) was cancelled. Although I do feel bad that Mona is sick.
3. I had bible study tonight, so I got to spend time in the word and being vulnerable!
4. I pulled off a B on my history exam.
5. My illness that I had for quite a while is gone. =]

and just one extra:

6. God was there to walk with me through the bad stuff! That always helps.