Where's This Going?

More than anything right now, I'm struggling with so much doubt about myself.

I know I have developed this hard shell that keeps me from really loving people and being "the encourager" that I so desperately want to be. When you're not exposed to a whole lot of encouragement for the majority of your life and have more of the "tough love" approach constantly reinforced in you, it consumes you. It seems like I fall so short of everything a Bible study leader should be, and at times I don't feel like I'm even a decent teacher let alone friend/encourager. How the heck do I deal with this??

Prayer, I suppose.

Dearest Abba, Father, Lord, You are so amazing and beautiful and inconceivably powerful that you never cease to astound and leave me awestruck. As you know, this year is breaking me, I can feel it cutting through my body and just tearing me apart, piece by piece. Lord, You have been consistently and constantly exposing me to ways that I seriously fall short of Your glory, and it's painful and heartbreaking. I want You to rebuild me into a pillar of light, a shining reflection of You and the being that You created me to be. There is no other reason for my existence here on Earth other than to worship you and share your love and power with the lost that surround me. I pray that you may never let me forget this!

Amen

Collecting Bittersweet Symphonies in My Back Pocket

Ramblings.

This morning, a new boy joined the before-school program. One of the kindergarteners already knew him, so as soon as he saw the nervous newcomer with wide eyes at the door he ran across the room to him and wrapped him in a great bearhug, shouting "Harrison! I missed you man!"

I think what I find the most striking about this brief but sweet moment is that it's like what God does when we finally accept Christ into our life and proclaim Him our Lord and Savior. He's been waiting in heaven and He's so overjoyed when we, His sheep, return to the flock; God greets you with open arms and swallows you up in a loving embrace, saying "I missed you."

After I saw the midnight premiere of New Moon, I was filled with this completely overwhelming sense of desire to surround myself with images of Taylor Lautner and tell people about him that it was almost embarrassing! Don't get me wrong, I still adore him but I certainly don't want to worship him.

The next day as I kept trying to somehow include just how incredibly good-looking Taylor Lautner is in every conversation, I was struck with this profound thought: What if this was how I felt about God... all the time? Like, I do have these swellings of a feeling of urgency to share the good news, but I can't say that I try to include it in every conversation. What would happen if I did?

Either sin is throwing itself at me more often than normal, or I'm just becoming more conscious of it. Right now would certainly be a good time to really step up and take the idea of a prayer warrior more seriously; prayer is so powerful, and it's one of our greatest defenses in spiritual warfare!