It's My Mission

As the end of my college experience approaches, I find myself learning more and more about who I am and who I want to be. I've come to realize I actually don't have as much in common with the people around me as I thought I did... and it's almost unbelievable that it took me several years to figure this out. How did I not notice this before? Is it something that's changed in them, or something that's changed in me?

I know that I don't ever want to lose my childlike wonder; I won't rest until I've experienced this world to its' fullest extent. I don't want to pass up any opportunity to further experience God's creation, no matter how tired, haggard, and worn I am. I don't want to get a real job... not for a long, long time. I want to travel the world, and I don't feel the need to settle in one place and get comfortable in one career. I've been told my life's not going to end when I turn 30, that I shouldn't rush to experience it all. But in reality, who, besides God, really knows how long I'm going to live? Why get comfortable and stay in one place when there's so much to see and do in this enormous blue and green spinning ball we call Earth?

Not only do I want to fully explore this world, I want to fulfill the Great Commission in the process. If we are called to be sent, why are so many of us sitting still? Isaiah 6:8 fully encompasses my life mission statement, and when I lie on my death bed I truly hope I will have fulfilled it.

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" -Isaiah 6:8

"Faith" by Jason Upton

I found this song... and LOVE it.

"Let faith arise, oh Lord, let faith arise
In the deepest parts of my being, oh Lord
In the most broken parts of me, oh Lord
Friends have failed me Lord, let my faith arise
Loved ones have failed me Lord, let my faith arise
Heroes have failed me Lord, let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
Let my faith arise
I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say NO to the things that keep me back from You
And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances
I say NO to just letting it stay that way
Because I’m learning to trust that it’s not You that hurt me
I’m learning to believe that it’s not You that deserted me
I’m believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all
I’m believing that You’ve got a plan for me
I’m believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let, let faith arise again, I believe
I believe like a little child again
I’m gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord
I’m gonna dance in my love for You, oh Lord
I’m gonna laugh again
I’m gonna cry again
I’m gonna have joy, joy on the inside
Circumstances around me try to pull me down
I’m going to believe in that faith again
‘Cause You’re my Creator
You’re my Comfort
You’re the One that will never desert me
So Daddy, I raise my hands up to You Lord
I raise my hands up to You, oh Lord
And I dance with my feet, I dance with my feet
And I say, come and, come and hold me Lord
‘Cause I’m learning to trust You with the faith of a child
Trust You with the faith of a child
I can have joy again like a child
I’m not going to let it come down
I’m not going to let those bullets come down
Come down and hurt me no more
‘Cause I’m raising up the Shield of Faith
And the Sword of the Lord
I’m believing on your Word Lord
I’m trusting in the Word that You said
And I’m waiting on You
Waiting on You
And I’m rejoicing in the fact that the Bible says
That You are my Victorious Warrior
You’re the one that fights for me
I don’t have to fight anymore
You’re the one that fights for me, oh Lord
My faith is rising, my faith is rising, my faith is rising
I can see You again Lord.
I can see You on the horizon of my life, oh Lord
I can see Your Son, it’s rising up, it’s rising up, it’s rising up
And I don’t have to be discouraged anymore
And I don’t have to fight this loneliness anymore
‘Cause You’re in my life, You’re in my life more than anyone can ever be
Father we’re building a relationship again, just me and You
We’re building a relationship again, just me and You
It’s not about the job I have
It’s not about the friends I have
Its’ not about the house I have or the social status I have
It’s about me and You
We’re building a relationship again, just me and You
You’re building my faith up again

Let faith arise, oh Lord!"

The Ties That Bind

It's funny how, when He wants to, God can really make a point. I've mentioned before how God kept pointing me to the story of Abraham a couple of months ago, and this week God seems to really want me to learn more about his wrath.

Yeah, I said wrath.

God's wrath seems to have gained such a negative connotation in our world, which I think is often what drives non-Christians away from faith in Christ. But it's not because God's anger is actually a bad thing, but because we, in our fallen state, see God's anger as similar to the anger that presents itself in our day-to-day lives.

What comes to mind when you think of anger or wrath? Road rage? Fights? The bad guy in your favorite movie? An abusive parent? There are so many situations where we see anger in this world, but God's anger is not like most.

God's anger is a righteous anger.

There's a good chance that you've heard this phrase before... "righteous anger." But what exactly does it mean? It means that when God gets angry, it's for a darn good reason.

As human beings, it's easy to get angry or get mad because things don't go the way we want them to. It's easy to get mad because the line isn't moving fast enough, the person in front of you didn't use their turn signal, you can't find your keys, or your stereo's not working. God doesn't sweat the small stuff.

God's anger comes from his divine, fulfilling, and amazing love for us. He loves us so much that it shakes Him to His core when He sees sin ruling our lives; He doesn't get mad when we make a mistake, he gets mad when we don't repent.

It's like the illustration Pastor Derek used today: Imagine you're going for a walk, and across the street you see several guys beating up on an elderly lady. They're kicking her, calling her names, spitting on her, and treating her like dirt. Would you become angry? It would almost be unacceptable to not get angry; if you didn't, your friend walking next to you would probably think there was something seriously wrong with you.

This is kind of like how sin is "beating us up" in our own lives. It leaves us broken and sad, and yet for some reason we keep going back to it. God gets righteously angry because He sees sin attacking us and tearing us down. He wants what's best for us, and yet we don't let the One who created us be the center of our lives.

The fact that you have to ingrain in your mind is God is going to love you, always and forever, thoroughly and completely, no matter how many times you mess up.

But are you willing to open your heart and let Him in? You might say you're a Christian, or you might not. It doesn't matter what you say you are, it's whether or not you follow through with letting Christ in and allow Him to call the shots.

You hear these radicals who stand outside with signs and spit fire as they shout about God's hatred toward humanity and how everyone's going to hell. Hatred is not a God-like characteristic, but righteous anger is. Seriously, I don't think I'll ever grow tired of saying this because it's true and so encouraging: GOD LOVES YOU.

Consider one of my favorite Biblical passages- 1 John 4 (in this case verses 8-17):

^"8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. ¹³We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. ¹⁶And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. ¹⁷In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him."

Looooove it. =)

Satan's Grip

Do you ever feel like all of your negative thoughts about yourself and how the world perceives you all attack you at the same time?

I feel like all of my self-worth and satisfaction with the world and life I've been given have disappeared; like any attempt at getting them back will be half-hearted and pointless. Satan can't be everywhere at one time, so he sends down these demons to torment us and try to tear to shreds all that Christ has built up in our hearts. He is jealous of Jesus and hates people, but wants to turn us against Jesus so that we will follow him instead. Those demons are definitely trying to rip into my heart, to destroy all the happiness and satisfaction that Christ has given me- I can feel it.

A couple of hours ago I took a nap, and during that nap I had a dream. In that dream, I was trying to live a life that is pleasing to God since He's my father and He loves me so much that he sent his Son to die for me (the least I could do is devote my life to Him). Anyway, I was on a mission to make the perfect cake (bear with me here; this cake was for God and I wanted to make it to the best of my human capacity) and Satan kept getting in the way. He was continually throwing all these obstacles in my way, and my journey became similar to a video game. Dodging this way and that, I was continually making my ascent toward making this perfect cake.

The more I kept persisting, the more frustrated Satan became. He didn't understand why I would want to keep going through all this stuff that he kept throwing at me. I had this awareness that God was guiding me through it, but I couldn't see Him at any point.

It's funny how dreams can be completely representative of what's going on in your subconscious. Satan is throwing so much at me right now, and if I don't rely on God to guide me through it, Satan's just going to keep chipping away at my heart until it's completely broken and I turn from God. That's his ultimate goal- turn God's people against their Lord.

Are you letting the demons of the world chip away at your heart? Pray that you won't forget God's love and the comfort He provides, that you will trust in Him to carry you through your troubles.


"The Lord replied: 'The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you.'" ("Footprints in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson)

My Dreams Are Bursting At The Seams

Sorry about that previous post. It had to come out; it was bothering me tremendously. I think after going to my American Indian Reservation Project meeting tonight I'm just feeling genuinely scared of where my life is going.

I am completely enraptured with teaching and learning... I love the process of inquiry and discovery.

At the same time, current legislation is destroying any hope of equity in education. I've been looking forward to student teaching so much, because it's when I get that final practice run before graduating and becoming a bona fide teacher. The director of cultural immersion projects was talking to us today, though, and mentioned the fact that almost all of the elementary schools are using scripted reading and sometimes even math programs.

I guess for some reason this was a completely unexpected blow.

As a teacher, I would feel like I was failing my students if I had to follow a script. Yes, I would be fulfilling my requirements with the school system, but I would not be fulfilling my requirements as a teacher. Teachers are there to provide children with individualized education that meets their needs and helps them become the brightest they can be.

I'm terrified right now, because I'm afraid that everything that excites me about education is being taken away, little by little.

The Art of Self-Indulgence

Bear with me here... I'm going to indulge in a serious frustration release right now.

When is somebody going to throw out No Child Left Behind?? It's the biggest piece of crap legislation regarding education I've seen in my lifetime. SERIOUSLY. We need teachers in Congress, providing educated opinions regarding education legislation because our political leaders are NOT doing their homework (hah, hah, no pun intended). Whoever came up with the idea of scripted reading lessons was a complete idiot and knows absolutely nothing about how kids learn.

Did Bush really think a piece of legislation which provides additional funding to schools that meet AYP would get money to suffering urban schools?? Standardized testing does not measure a child's knowledge, and taking funding away from schools that aren't meeting the required minimum scores is NOT solving the problem. Clearly money should be going to the schools that are not getting the scores they need so they can hire better qualified teachers and utilize new programs to help their students. Giving money to the rich and taking it away from the poor is widening the achievement gap, and education is becoming too political.

Forcing teachers to read from a script at a specific speed for every reading lesson is the most IDIOTIC thing I have ever heard. It's as if the government is saying teachers wasted their time in college, because they allow some random publisher to tell teachers how they should teach. Education is INDIVIDUAL. You are setting the children up for failure if you expect them to all learn exactly the same way and at the same speed! This upsets me so much I feel like my passion is going to explode through my skin- the wonder and excitement of learning are being ripped from the hands of our younger generations!

It angers me so much I almost want to go into politics to enlighten some of these unfortunate individuals who make decisions that shape our country.

His Plan is Beyond Time

My plans versus God's plans.

It shouldn't be this way. God has written this really awesome story for my life, and I should be more than excited for whatever he's got going for me. The problem is, I want them done on my time as opposed to on His time. However, God is beyond time. So, correction: I want them done on my time as opposed to according to His plan.

In my class "Education in a Pluralistic Society" we were discussing two different approaches two time that cultures can have: one is called monochronic time and the other is polychronic time. Monochronic time is more time-oriented, meaning the culture is highly preoccupied with being exactly "on time" to all appointments, even if it means dropping an activity before it is completed. We see this in school, when the bell rings right in the middle of a great discussion in class and everyone has to move on to their next class. Polychronic time, on the other hand, is more relationship-oriented; an activity starts when everyone gets there and ends when everyone leaves, regardless of what time it is.

This, to me, draws a direct relationship to my time vs. God's time. My time is comparable to monochronic time, which can leave me filling unfulfilled when I try to get things done in a checklist approach, spreading things thin in a quantity instead of quality manner. I'm more time-oriented when I should be more relationship-oriented.

If I let go of my selfish desires for things to get done when I want them done and trust that what God has planned is good, I could become more relationship-oriented. I would feel more fulfilled if I appreciated the fact that God has plans (instead of times) for a reason; however, I shouldn't need to know God's reasoning behind those plans but rather trust that as my Lord He has only the best intentions for me. It's something I'm definitely working on with Him, and He keeps showing me over and over again that I need more patience.

As I've been reading the Old Testament, the story of Abraham's and Sarah's struggle with fertility particularly struck me. This was part of God's covenant with Abraham-

"But Abram said, 'O Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?' And Abram said, 'You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.'
Then the word of the Lord came to him: 'This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir.' He took him outside and said, 'Look up at the heavens and count the stars--if indeed you can count them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" (Genesis 15:2-5)

God made good on his covenant, but Sarah didn't actually give birth to Isaac until Abraham was 100 years old. Waiting, for Abraham, must have been incredibly nerve-wracking as a man of that time because if he didn't have a child before he died there wouldn't be anyone in his family line to inherit his estate. He slipped up during that time and slept with Sarah's maidservant, Hagar, in an attempt to produce children.

In the end, Isaac was completely worth the wait that Sarah and Abraham went through. God made Abraham's descendants innumerable just as he promised, and the profound love for his son that came from that wait prepared Abraham for God's greatest test for him- when he asked him to sacrifice Isaac.

God has such amazing plans for you, but are you willing to wait? Because I can guarantee that they're well worth it.

1 John 4

I'm in a blogging kind of mood today.

You know what I find completely ironic about people, American culture in particular? We are so centered on relationships- our lives are defined by the relationships we have, the interactions we have with the people around us, yet so many people miss out on the biggest, most fulfilling, amazing relationship they could ever have in their lifetime. Instead, energies are spent pursuing romantic relationships driven by lust which, in the end, leave nothing but emptiness.

Our music, literature, movies, and TV are all centered mainly around romantic love, with smatterings of relationships with family, friends, and even strangers. The problem is, none of these forms of love can satisfy you on their own. God's love is unconditional, eternal, and so, so deep; it's nothing like any earthly love you've ever experienced. This is why the love we experience with God has a different translation in Greek from other types of love; in Greek God's love is associated with the word agape.

There is so much pressure from the world to find that "perfect person" for you, and we sing along to songs about heartbreak and replacing that old boyfriend with the new one. I've tried to find that guy over the past couple of years, and I've reached the point where I'm completely satisfied with God's love without needing a guy to make me happy too. The biggest problem with my failed attempts at relationships is I didn't let God find the guy for me. Instead, I would try to handle them on my own, and when I did I fell flat on my face.

From now on, the plan is to not pursue a romantic relationship but to pray about it instead; if God wants me to have a husband someday, He'll bring us together. There's no point in looking for frivolous, surfacey (if that's a word) relationships with no future, because I know that's all I will find if I search for eros apart from agape.

Do you find yourself fantasizing about that perfect guy or that perfect girl they sing about in your favorite song or portray in your favorite movie? God wants your relationship even more than you want that one. He's the one running across the airport, wanting to stop you from boarding that plane that takes you to a life that in your heart you don't truly want to live. Let him romance you first, then He'll show you your other half, the person He made for you to spend the rest of your life with.

All I Am I Want To Lay Down At Your Feet

If you ask God to take you apart, you sure as heck better be ready for Him to do so.

The past couple of years, I have been asking the Lord to help me die to myself so that He can fill me with the Holy Spirit and mold me into the woman of God that he wants me to be. I've prayed the lyrics

"I give you all of me
for all you are,
here I am Lord,
take me apart."

many times, and while it has been scary I haven't stopped praying it. Over time, though, I've come to realize just how broken and flawed I am as I've gone through one heartbreak after another.

Years ago I used to see idols as things like money, fame, external perceptions of beauty, and so on. With one element of my life being ripped out after another, I'm starting to see the idols in my life that get in the way of God. How do I know they got in the way of God? Because the moment they were taken away from me, I was a hot mess. My job working with kids before and after school was on my mind almost all hours of the day because I became so passionate about it. When my hours were drastically cut over break and I switched schools, I couldn't stop crying. In fact, I still cry about it because I'm still having a hard time moving on.

The problem with this is that clearly God has different plans for me, but I resist seeing them because my own wants and desires have clouded my view. I've already started forming a life plan that doesn't give God much wiggle room, which seems silly since I know He's the one who's in control, not me. Why am I doing this?? I need to just trust that my Abba is going to take care of me, because He is.

Reading The Shack over Christmas break was so powerful and helpful that it transformed my prayer life and my perspective on what an intimate relationship with God looks like. The many tears I've shed over the past month I have taken directly to the Lord as I asked for His comfort.

I'm feeling spiritual growth happening within me as I learn from my struggles, my behaviors, and my thoughts; I'm such a flawed person that sometimes I seriously wonder how people can even be my friend. God has provided me with such a strong support system that I'm incredibly thankful for!