All I Am I Want To Lay Down At Your Feet

If you ask God to take you apart, you sure as heck better be ready for Him to do so.

The past couple of years, I have been asking the Lord to help me die to myself so that He can fill me with the Holy Spirit and mold me into the woman of God that he wants me to be. I've prayed the lyrics

"I give you all of me
for all you are,
here I am Lord,
take me apart."

many times, and while it has been scary I haven't stopped praying it. Over time, though, I've come to realize just how broken and flawed I am as I've gone through one heartbreak after another.

Years ago I used to see idols as things like money, fame, external perceptions of beauty, and so on. With one element of my life being ripped out after another, I'm starting to see the idols in my life that get in the way of God. How do I know they got in the way of God? Because the moment they were taken away from me, I was a hot mess. My job working with kids before and after school was on my mind almost all hours of the day because I became so passionate about it. When my hours were drastically cut over break and I switched schools, I couldn't stop crying. In fact, I still cry about it because I'm still having a hard time moving on.

The problem with this is that clearly God has different plans for me, but I resist seeing them because my own wants and desires have clouded my view. I've already started forming a life plan that doesn't give God much wiggle room, which seems silly since I know He's the one who's in control, not me. Why am I doing this?? I need to just trust that my Abba is going to take care of me, because He is.

Reading The Shack over Christmas break was so powerful and helpful that it transformed my prayer life and my perspective on what an intimate relationship with God looks like. The many tears I've shed over the past month I have taken directly to the Lord as I asked for His comfort.

I'm feeling spiritual growth happening within me as I learn from my struggles, my behaviors, and my thoughts; I'm such a flawed person that sometimes I seriously wonder how people can even be my friend. God has provided me with such a strong support system that I'm incredibly thankful for!