Satan's Grip

Do you ever feel like all of your negative thoughts about yourself and how the world perceives you all attack you at the same time?

I feel like all of my self-worth and satisfaction with the world and life I've been given have disappeared; like any attempt at getting them back will be half-hearted and pointless. Satan can't be everywhere at one time, so he sends down these demons to torment us and try to tear to shreds all that Christ has built up in our hearts. He is jealous of Jesus and hates people, but wants to turn us against Jesus so that we will follow him instead. Those demons are definitely trying to rip into my heart, to destroy all the happiness and satisfaction that Christ has given me- I can feel it.

A couple of hours ago I took a nap, and during that nap I had a dream. In that dream, I was trying to live a life that is pleasing to God since He's my father and He loves me so much that he sent his Son to die for me (the least I could do is devote my life to Him). Anyway, I was on a mission to make the perfect cake (bear with me here; this cake was for God and I wanted to make it to the best of my human capacity) and Satan kept getting in the way. He was continually throwing all these obstacles in my way, and my journey became similar to a video game. Dodging this way and that, I was continually making my ascent toward making this perfect cake.

The more I kept persisting, the more frustrated Satan became. He didn't understand why I would want to keep going through all this stuff that he kept throwing at me. I had this awareness that God was guiding me through it, but I couldn't see Him at any point.

It's funny how dreams can be completely representative of what's going on in your subconscious. Satan is throwing so much at me right now, and if I don't rely on God to guide me through it, Satan's just going to keep chipping away at my heart until it's completely broken and I turn from God. That's his ultimate goal- turn God's people against their Lord.

Are you letting the demons of the world chip away at your heart? Pray that you won't forget God's love and the comfort He provides, that you will trust in Him to carry you through your troubles.


"The Lord replied: 'The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you.'" ("Footprints in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson)

My Dreams Are Bursting At The Seams

Sorry about that previous post. It had to come out; it was bothering me tremendously. I think after going to my American Indian Reservation Project meeting tonight I'm just feeling genuinely scared of where my life is going.

I am completely enraptured with teaching and learning... I love the process of inquiry and discovery.

At the same time, current legislation is destroying any hope of equity in education. I've been looking forward to student teaching so much, because it's when I get that final practice run before graduating and becoming a bona fide teacher. The director of cultural immersion projects was talking to us today, though, and mentioned the fact that almost all of the elementary schools are using scripted reading and sometimes even math programs.

I guess for some reason this was a completely unexpected blow.

As a teacher, I would feel like I was failing my students if I had to follow a script. Yes, I would be fulfilling my requirements with the school system, but I would not be fulfilling my requirements as a teacher. Teachers are there to provide children with individualized education that meets their needs and helps them become the brightest they can be.

I'm terrified right now, because I'm afraid that everything that excites me about education is being taken away, little by little.

The Art of Self-Indulgence

Bear with me here... I'm going to indulge in a serious frustration release right now.

When is somebody going to throw out No Child Left Behind?? It's the biggest piece of crap legislation regarding education I've seen in my lifetime. SERIOUSLY. We need teachers in Congress, providing educated opinions regarding education legislation because our political leaders are NOT doing their homework (hah, hah, no pun intended). Whoever came up with the idea of scripted reading lessons was a complete idiot and knows absolutely nothing about how kids learn.

Did Bush really think a piece of legislation which provides additional funding to schools that meet AYP would get money to suffering urban schools?? Standardized testing does not measure a child's knowledge, and taking funding away from schools that aren't meeting the required minimum scores is NOT solving the problem. Clearly money should be going to the schools that are not getting the scores they need so they can hire better qualified teachers and utilize new programs to help their students. Giving money to the rich and taking it away from the poor is widening the achievement gap, and education is becoming too political.

Forcing teachers to read from a script at a specific speed for every reading lesson is the most IDIOTIC thing I have ever heard. It's as if the government is saying teachers wasted their time in college, because they allow some random publisher to tell teachers how they should teach. Education is INDIVIDUAL. You are setting the children up for failure if you expect them to all learn exactly the same way and at the same speed! This upsets me so much I feel like my passion is going to explode through my skin- the wonder and excitement of learning are being ripped from the hands of our younger generations!

It angers me so much I almost want to go into politics to enlighten some of these unfortunate individuals who make decisions that shape our country.

His Plan is Beyond Time

My plans versus God's plans.

It shouldn't be this way. God has written this really awesome story for my life, and I should be more than excited for whatever he's got going for me. The problem is, I want them done on my time as opposed to on His time. However, God is beyond time. So, correction: I want them done on my time as opposed to according to His plan.

In my class "Education in a Pluralistic Society" we were discussing two different approaches two time that cultures can have: one is called monochronic time and the other is polychronic time. Monochronic time is more time-oriented, meaning the culture is highly preoccupied with being exactly "on time" to all appointments, even if it means dropping an activity before it is completed. We see this in school, when the bell rings right in the middle of a great discussion in class and everyone has to move on to their next class. Polychronic time, on the other hand, is more relationship-oriented; an activity starts when everyone gets there and ends when everyone leaves, regardless of what time it is.

This, to me, draws a direct relationship to my time vs. God's time. My time is comparable to monochronic time, which can leave me filling unfulfilled when I try to get things done in a checklist approach, spreading things thin in a quantity instead of quality manner. I'm more time-oriented when I should be more relationship-oriented.

If I let go of my selfish desires for things to get done when I want them done and trust that what God has planned is good, I could become more relationship-oriented. I would feel more fulfilled if I appreciated the fact that God has plans (instead of times) for a reason; however, I shouldn't need to know God's reasoning behind those plans but rather trust that as my Lord He has only the best intentions for me. It's something I'm definitely working on with Him, and He keeps showing me over and over again that I need more patience.

As I've been reading the Old Testament, the story of Abraham's and Sarah's struggle with fertility particularly struck me. This was part of God's covenant with Abraham-

"But Abram said, 'O Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?' And Abram said, 'You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.'
Then the word of the Lord came to him: 'This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir.' He took him outside and said, 'Look up at the heavens and count the stars--if indeed you can count them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" (Genesis 15:2-5)

God made good on his covenant, but Sarah didn't actually give birth to Isaac until Abraham was 100 years old. Waiting, for Abraham, must have been incredibly nerve-wracking as a man of that time because if he didn't have a child before he died there wouldn't be anyone in his family line to inherit his estate. He slipped up during that time and slept with Sarah's maidservant, Hagar, in an attempt to produce children.

In the end, Isaac was completely worth the wait that Sarah and Abraham went through. God made Abraham's descendants innumerable just as he promised, and the profound love for his son that came from that wait prepared Abraham for God's greatest test for him- when he asked him to sacrifice Isaac.

God has such amazing plans for you, but are you willing to wait? Because I can guarantee that they're well worth it.

1 John 4

I'm in a blogging kind of mood today.

You know what I find completely ironic about people, American culture in particular? We are so centered on relationships- our lives are defined by the relationships we have, the interactions we have with the people around us, yet so many people miss out on the biggest, most fulfilling, amazing relationship they could ever have in their lifetime. Instead, energies are spent pursuing romantic relationships driven by lust which, in the end, leave nothing but emptiness.

Our music, literature, movies, and TV are all centered mainly around romantic love, with smatterings of relationships with family, friends, and even strangers. The problem is, none of these forms of love can satisfy you on their own. God's love is unconditional, eternal, and so, so deep; it's nothing like any earthly love you've ever experienced. This is why the love we experience with God has a different translation in Greek from other types of love; in Greek God's love is associated with the word agape.

There is so much pressure from the world to find that "perfect person" for you, and we sing along to songs about heartbreak and replacing that old boyfriend with the new one. I've tried to find that guy over the past couple of years, and I've reached the point where I'm completely satisfied with God's love without needing a guy to make me happy too. The biggest problem with my failed attempts at relationships is I didn't let God find the guy for me. Instead, I would try to handle them on my own, and when I did I fell flat on my face.

From now on, the plan is to not pursue a romantic relationship but to pray about it instead; if God wants me to have a husband someday, He'll bring us together. There's no point in looking for frivolous, surfacey (if that's a word) relationships with no future, because I know that's all I will find if I search for eros apart from agape.

Do you find yourself fantasizing about that perfect guy or that perfect girl they sing about in your favorite song or portray in your favorite movie? God wants your relationship even more than you want that one. He's the one running across the airport, wanting to stop you from boarding that plane that takes you to a life that in your heart you don't truly want to live. Let him romance you first, then He'll show you your other half, the person He made for you to spend the rest of your life with.

All I Am I Want To Lay Down At Your Feet

If you ask God to take you apart, you sure as heck better be ready for Him to do so.

The past couple of years, I have been asking the Lord to help me die to myself so that He can fill me with the Holy Spirit and mold me into the woman of God that he wants me to be. I've prayed the lyrics

"I give you all of me
for all you are,
here I am Lord,
take me apart."

many times, and while it has been scary I haven't stopped praying it. Over time, though, I've come to realize just how broken and flawed I am as I've gone through one heartbreak after another.

Years ago I used to see idols as things like money, fame, external perceptions of beauty, and so on. With one element of my life being ripped out after another, I'm starting to see the idols in my life that get in the way of God. How do I know they got in the way of God? Because the moment they were taken away from me, I was a hot mess. My job working with kids before and after school was on my mind almost all hours of the day because I became so passionate about it. When my hours were drastically cut over break and I switched schools, I couldn't stop crying. In fact, I still cry about it because I'm still having a hard time moving on.

The problem with this is that clearly God has different plans for me, but I resist seeing them because my own wants and desires have clouded my view. I've already started forming a life plan that doesn't give God much wiggle room, which seems silly since I know He's the one who's in control, not me. Why am I doing this?? I need to just trust that my Abba is going to take care of me, because He is.

Reading The Shack over Christmas break was so powerful and helpful that it transformed my prayer life and my perspective on what an intimate relationship with God looks like. The many tears I've shed over the past month I have taken directly to the Lord as I asked for His comfort.

I'm feeling spiritual growth happening within me as I learn from my struggles, my behaviors, and my thoughts; I'm such a flawed person that sometimes I seriously wonder how people can even be my friend. God has provided me with such a strong support system that I'm incredibly thankful for!

Where's This Going?

More than anything right now, I'm struggling with so much doubt about myself.

I know I have developed this hard shell that keeps me from really loving people and being "the encourager" that I so desperately want to be. When you're not exposed to a whole lot of encouragement for the majority of your life and have more of the "tough love" approach constantly reinforced in you, it consumes you. It seems like I fall so short of everything a Bible study leader should be, and at times I don't feel like I'm even a decent teacher let alone friend/encourager. How the heck do I deal with this??

Prayer, I suppose.

Dearest Abba, Father, Lord, You are so amazing and beautiful and inconceivably powerful that you never cease to astound and leave me awestruck. As you know, this year is breaking me, I can feel it cutting through my body and just tearing me apart, piece by piece. Lord, You have been consistently and constantly exposing me to ways that I seriously fall short of Your glory, and it's painful and heartbreaking. I want You to rebuild me into a pillar of light, a shining reflection of You and the being that You created me to be. There is no other reason for my existence here on Earth other than to worship you and share your love and power with the lost that surround me. I pray that you may never let me forget this!

Amen