Awesome Parts of Today.

1. It was warmer and sunny outside today!! I got to put on a pair of sunglasses, roll down the car windows, and turn up the Yellowcard. =]
2. We talked about Alice's Adventures in Wonderland in L390 today. I LOVE that book! Also, we had a quiz over it and I got a 20/20.
3. I'm finally going to the SRSC for some exercise... for once. haha. I'm so excited!
4. I bought some folders today so I could organize all my class papers for this semester; what a relief!
5. I ate my faaaavorite food, macaroni and cheese, for dinner!

A List.

Okay, this just hit me really hard and now it's bothering me so much so I'm going to be upset about it for about two seconds...
I'm staying in Bloomington for spring break and working.
This is SO FRUSTRATING for me. I've never, EVER vacationed in any way on spring break. Like, just a fun trip to spend time with friends or family and have a good time. I'm a SOPHOMORE in COLLEGE. There's only two spring breaks left after this... Okay, I'm done. This isn't meant to be a rant about how sucky spring break is going to be.

Actually, this post is more meant to be about me changing my negative perspective. Just a couple of posts ago I talked about being more spiritually awake; to be honest, I haven't followed through with that. That doesn't mean that I don't want to, though! I want to start seeing my life in a more positive light, like, I really do. So I figure the way I can do that is if I can start making a list every day of five good things that happened during my day. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. We'll see how it goes! The way I see it is if I create a physical list, I can reflect upon it and not forget, as opposed to just simply noticing things and then letting them slip my mind. So... 1-2-3-GO!

1. I got to see Rachel and Trina this morning when I woke up, and I love those girls so much!
2. My 9:30 class (and also my least favorite) was cancelled. Although I do feel bad that Mona is sick.
3. I had bible study tonight, so I got to spend time in the word and being vulnerable!
4. I pulled off a B on my history exam.
5. My illness that I had for quite a while is gone. =]

and just one extra:

6. God was there to walk with me through the bad stuff! That always helps.

The Innocence of Children.

Children are so amazing. Every time I get the chance to work with them, I am reminded of why I want to be a teacher. Their innocence and naivety makes the job so much more fun, because they are so eager to learn and there is so much space left in their growing minds to fill with new and exciting things. Not only this, but there is also something very fulfilling in a child's hug and their desire for your attention. I never feel more wanted than when I'm in a class full of first graders who want to spend time with me.

There are these two adorable twin boys in separate first grade classes that come to the library when I volunteer that are such a joy to know. One of them calls me Miss Buttercups! (after reese's peanut butter cups) It's so cute. =] He also hugged me three times today and followed me around like a lost puppy all period, which was fun.

One of the boys in a first grade class decided to check out the "Happy Birthday!" book, which is about the birthing process. Nothing is funnier than kids giggling about anything to do with reproduction and saying "ewwwww!" whenever a couple kisses in a story. Today I got to explain to a small group of interested students that almost everybody breast feeds, that it's perfectly normal, and that some kids are born with some hair while others are not. Not to mention explaining with the picture of a newborn that every one of them looked like that when they were born, and one boy said "except I was black!" (the baby in the picture was caucasian) Kids say the darndest things, and I love them all-the-more for it.

Blessings.

A good way to have a better perspective on life? Simply count your blessings. Today I was just sitting around my apartment, and I started to think about how blessed my life is. I tend to get caught up in the bad, in the struggles and the suffering, but I have so much to be thankful for! Sure, sometimes I might not get hot water or heat, I might not have built in air conditioning, much food or always functioning internet. But I still get an apartment all to myself with running water, enough food to fill my stomach, a roof over my head, and people to spend time with in this little 3 room living space. Not only that, but I have all these extras like TV, a personal laptop, a comfortable bed, dishes to cook and eat with, and every once in a while a little extra money to spend on entertainment. Plus I've got God to turn to in all instances, which is so amazing.

Now I get to go to Cru, where I have the opportunity to spend time with a couple hundred fellow college students and worship God as a collective body! The first time I went to Cru, I was overwhelmed with how many college students were taking responsibility for their faith and came to worship the same amazing God, and to tell the truth it still captivates me!

My Take on Lent.

So I realize that what I'm going to say might be rather controversial, but I'm not trying to personally attack or offend anybody. This is just how I feel about Lent, and I just want to put it out there in the open because it's bothering the heck out of me.

When I see and hear people say they are "giving up candy/facebook/soda/alcohol/etc." for Lent, I really just want to ask them why. Why do you specifically choose this part of your life to remove for 40 days? To be honest, I really don't see the sacrifice. I may not be Catholic, but I have done my research because I was curious about Lent and the reasoning behind it.

Apparently, when a person removes a certain part of their life through self-denial for 40 days, it's supposed to represent Jesus's 40 days in the desert and act as penance for sin. If you have forgotten, during this entire time Jesus fasted and was tempted by Satan in multiple instances, so in today's world you are supposed to "fast" by giving something up and then resist its temptation for 40 days. This is the part that most people are more than ready to jump into... but there's another part that actually gives the whole experience meaning.

When this piece of a person's life is removed, they are supposed to fill it up with God through prayer and spending time in the world. It is a purification process that prepares the person for Easter, or the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

What I find so completely bogus about the whole idea of Lent today is that people give up the frills, or the things that in reality are no form of real sacrifice. I just don't see how someone could even begin to reason that giving up facebook is similar to Jesus fasting for forty days straight in the desert and being tempted by the Devil. Also, while you may find yourself "struggling" to avoid the temptation to log back on and see how many notifications you have, what are you doing with this newfound free time? Chances are that you're watching TV, doing your homework, or hanging out with your friends... so the purpose of Lent is lost because you aren't strengthening your relationship with God by spending time with him.

I don't believe in Lent because I don't think giving up my favorite food or pasttime is what will draw me closer to God. If you want to strengthen your relationship with him, why don't you just open your Bible or pray to him? Why do you have to search for a specific part of the year to feel compelled to "sacrifice"? It seems to me that if you truly felt that giving up that thing would help make your relationship stronger, then you should have done it a long time ago and made it a permanent change.

I do believe in real fasting where a person gives up eating certain meals so they can instead spend that time in prayer, but to me this just doesn't seem altogether right. But maybe that's because some people have set the wrong example.

Paradigm Shift

With all that I said in the previous post, I'm really hoping that I can also have a major shift in my paradigm of life. I realize that I can be a pretty serious pessimist at times, and I'm not exactly sure why. God blessed me with this amazing opportunity of life and a chance to admire his great power and beauty through this wonderful world he has created. Sometimes life can just feel so.... overwhelming and frustrating. But just because I have struggles and sufferings, doesn't mean I should let them permeate every part of my existence. We're all only here on this earth for a brief moment, and then we're gone forever.

A good way for me to start working on this shift is to be more spiritually awake, which is a concept we learned about at fall retreat. If I leave myself open to be used by him and remain in constant contact with him I can't go wrong. He is so amazing, and oftentimes I just let that slip my mind. It just reminds me that this world is so much bigger than my small, everyday problems and I have no reason to let them devour my life and overall perspective. Life is amazing, and we should rejoice in the good times AND the suffering!

A Yearning for Change.

Bible study tonight really got me thinking about a lot of things, and now I have all these thoughts and feelings floating around that are really starting to bother me about myself. I realize that I am human, I have flaws, and I have a tendency to screw up. But it doesn't stop there! You see, I was already fully aware of this. Where it starts to get complicated is the fact that I don't talk to anybody about what's bothering me, so I bury it and even though I might not be immediately thinking about it, those buried thoughts propogate themselves in my everyday interactions with people and how vulnerable I am.

I love being confided in and trusted with personal struggles and suffering, but I just simply can't bring myself to share the heavy stuff with anybody. Sure, I'll unload the frills like the fact that I tripped and bruised myself, but I can't bear to talk to people about all the pain that has come from my distorted and completely messed up relationship with my mom. Or about completely tumultuous and rocky relationship with God, or the utter humiliation of my junior high years and the suffering that came from it. Or how about my body image and self hatred? Or the verbal and occasional physical abuse? Or all the thoughts of running away, suicide, and hatred that built up inside of me as I grew up? I'd rather just brush over it and move on.

Maybe it's just because I figure even if I tell people about it they can't do anything to change the past, or maybe because I simply lack any bit of courage to open my heart. I guess I just need to bring all this before God. But the Bible also says we must help carry each other's burdens, and I'm not so sure I can do this by myself. I want to start following my heart, and not my mind. Too much of my time is spent pondering whether or not I should do something when I would much rather just take a leap.